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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.